In the book, "The Wounded Heart," the author, Dr. Dan B. Allender states, "Rage is the thrashing of the soul when it fully awakens from the nightmare lie" (pg. 198). This sentence stirred an emotion inside of me and ignited many curious questions and thoughts. I know each survivor has dealt with some form of rage regarding their abuse, whether it was self or others contempt. We all have experienced rage.
I was always scared of allowing rage to take a hold of me. Afraid of feeling this intense anger that I didn't know what to do with. Afraid it would take a hold of me. So, I would undermine my abuse, undermine the pain and damaged that it caused, sometimes making excuses for the abuser, and most of all living in a state of denial.
It wasn't until I truly felt angry and was ready to encounter this anger did I feel free. I couldn't explain why until I read this sentence. Letting the rage free was allowing me to grieve, in grieving I was no longer living in denial. I had to accept the pain, the damage, the hurt, the memories, and all the feelings. Most of all, I had to accept the lost; the tremendous lost of innocence and a childhood that I would never get back. This acceptance was very painful but freeing. And it is only in God's grace I am able to see how He replaces the losses in our lives with gifts. The innocence of childhood that I lost, I am now able to see through the curious eyes of my kids.
I do not think it is wrong to feel rage or that it is a sin. I think it only becomes an issue when we allow the rage we feel to drown out our joy, and when the rage seeks to take vengeance upon the abusers in our lives does it become a problem. We feel the rage but we must give vengeance to God.
We need to feel angry about what happened to us because it was WRONG. We need not be ashamed or silent because our abuse isn't our shame to carry, and our abuse is meant to be spoken about to help others and to help us in our healing. So, I pray my dear friends that you feel that rage, that you move along with it, finding the strength to extend grace to yourself and others, and being courageous enough to want to live a joyous and free life, because it exist with Christ. We just have to choose to be free. And it is a process that is taken day by day...
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"The LORD your God will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."