The challenging thing for me about the waves of my grief is that it comes in so many layers and are often overlapping one another. For example, I find myself grieving over the loss of my dog, Bear, and missing his unconditional love and acceptance, to grieving the loss of a safe and carefree childhood, and to the loss of dreams like my Dad seeing his grandkids graduate from High School, all at once. Sometimes the hurt and the rage are scary and the tears are not understood that I have to allow myself to go somewhere for a quick moment and just breathe. I noticed the less I resist to these emotions (that I know will pass), the better I am able to ride the wave with confidence. When I think of a loving God, then I can allow myself to feel the anger, hurt, and tears (hopefully, not at the expense of those that I love and learning to be gentle and patient with myself).
Then another layer of grief is encountered with hard questions such as: If there is a loving God, why do bad things happen? Why do children get abused and hurt? Why did God not protect me when I was sexually abused? Why do so many suffer? These are questions that I know God is working out in my life because I can be reassured that God is so powerful, so all knowing that no question is too difficult for Him to encounter and to provide an answer. I just have to trust that when He knows that I am ready to hear His answers, then He will tell me when my heart is opened and ready. In God's grace, His timing is perfect and for our own good. I am working on these hard questions and hope to share it when I hear God's answers clearly. For now, I just have to wait on Him. And for someone like me, waiting is tough. I'm the kind of person that if I get a really bad flu, if I am not better by the morning, I bug out.
In His peace,
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"The LORD your God will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."